


BCBB ~ In Sickness and In Health

by DeansArie



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, Angst with a Happy Ending, BCBB 2018, Bottom Cas Big Bang 2018, Cancer, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Medical Procedures, Suicide Attempt, Temporary Character Death, bcbb, implied infidelity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-11
Updated: 2019-05-11
Packaged: 2020-03-01 05:07:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18793609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeansArie/pseuds/DeansArie
Summary: Cancer is an indiscriminate killer. Young, old, rich or poor. It doesn’t care who it attacks or hurts.





	BCBB ~ In Sickness and In Health

**Author's Note:**

> This is for the Bottom Cas Big Bang 2018
> 
> This fic will be part of a series. This is actually part three of that series and will be added accordingly. 
> 
> I want to thank Aerrae for the amazing art she created for this fic. https://aerrae.tumblr.com/post/184812314220/illustrations-and-dividers-for-the-fic-in
> 
> This fic first came about a couple years ago as a prompt from a Facebook group. The original premise is still on my AO3. 
> 
> All mistakes are mine. This fic is NOT beta'd in any way. There is implied sex but that's it. I had planned on having a scene at the end but due to a power outage I lost a huge chunk of the fic and had to rewrite it. in order to get the fic posted in time, I opted to omit the sex scene. Give me a bit and I will add it as a time stamp.

Dean knew waiting in the kitchen for Cas to get home was useless. The guy would just take the front stairs up to the bedroom and avoid him. Dean beat him to the punch. Laying on their bed, his arms crossed over his chest, booted feet crossed at the ankles, he stared at the open bedroom door. His normally bright and radiant green eyes were dark and stormy. This was not a conversation he wanted to have. It needed to happen, unfortunately. Cas, avoiding it, only made things worse. He had his Dad pick up the kids from school so they wouldn’t have to witness the argument, if there ended up being one.

The sound of the garage door closing had Dean’s heart rate increasing. His breathing remained the same as he tracked his husband’s movements through the house. The soft thuds of his footsteps coming up the stairs, turning the corner and walking down the hall to their room. Dean raised his eyes as Cas’s shadow crossed the threshold into the room. The startled intake of breath followed by the widened electric blue eyes did nothing to ease Dean’s anxiety.

Without saying a word, Cas lowered his eyes and walked over to the overstuffed wing back chair where he deposited his overcoat and messenger bag. He didn’t need to ask Dean what was wrong or if he was alright. Cas had been avoiding him at every turn, knowing full well where the conversation would go to. “Not now, Dean.”

Unbuttoning his suit coat, Cas let it fall open as he walked over to his side of the bed and took a seat. Lifting one foot, he started to take his shoe off only to be stopped but an exaggerated huff from his husband.

“Not now? When, Cas? When is a good time for you?”

Lowering his foot back to the floor, Cas let his upper body fall back on the bed. Lifting both feet, he braced the heels of his shoes against the edge of the bed and pushed back, his upper body sliding across the comforter until his head came to rest near the far edge. Lifting his hands to either side of his head, he pinched his temples with his thumbs. “I just can’.” Shaking his head, Cas closed his eyes and sighed.

“You just can’.” Nodding, Dean purses his lips. Both eyebrows raised and fell as he gave a small facial shrug. “Okay.” Swinging his feet over the side of the bed, Dean stood and started to walk toward the door.

“Dean, wait.” Snaking out his hand, Cas took hold of Dean’s wrist. His firm but gentle grip stopping his husbands forward motion. Swinging his legs over the side of the bed, Cas slumped forward keeping his grip on Dean’s wrist. “I’m sorry. I know I’ve been avoiding this. It’s not fair to you.”

The muscle on Dean’s jaw quivered and rolled as if it were a living thing and trying to escape. Without looking down at Cas, he nodded slowly. “Yeah, you have an’ no, it’s not fair to me. Or to you or anyone else that knows an’ loves you.”

Turning to face Cas, Dean slowly lowered himself down on his knees using his free hand to gently nudge Cas’s legs apart so he could get as close to him as possible. Running the palm of his hand over the top of Cas’s thigh, Jensen titled his head to the side to try and see his face better. “Cas…baby, look at me.”

He wouldn’t push, much. At least not right away. After several minutes of silence and no indication from Cas that he was going to comply, Dean lifted his free hand. Using the side of his index finger and the pad of his thumb, he took hold of Cas’s chin and gently raised his head until he could see into his husband’s beautiful, blue eyes. “Hey. I love you. M’not goin’ anywhere. Thick and thin, fer better or worse…sickness and health. I’m here for the long haul.”

The sting of tears had Cas blinking like a mad man to try and keep them at bay. It wasn’t working very well. “I love you, too.” Smiling sadly, he sniffled softly. Nodding slowly against the gentle hold Dean had on his chin, Cas slowly wrapped his arms around Dean’s shoulders and buried his face against the side of his neck.

Releasing the hold on Cas’s chin, Dean wrapped his own arms around his husband’s shoulders pulling him in tight to his chest. “It’s gonna be okay. _You_ are gonna be okay.” He swallowed hard and squeezed his eyes closed tight against the sting of tears. Dean forced a tight-lipped smile as he gave his head a curt nod to his words. Turning his head to the side, he pressed a gentle kiss to Cas’s forehead.

Cancer was an indiscriminate disease. Young, old, rich, poor. It didn’t care who it attacked or hurt. Six weeks prior, Cas had been diagnosed with early stage prostate cancer. It wasn’t a death sentence. The oncologist said they’d caught it very early and the prognosis was good. It didn’t matter how early it was caught. Cancer was cancer. It was the **C **word that could make the toughest of men’s blood run cold.****

“I’m scared, Dean.”

Tightening his arms, Dean dipped his chin, pressing the side of his head against Cas’s. “I know. So am I.”

Lifting his head, Misha blinked as the tears slowly ran down his cheeks. “We have to tell the everyone…even the kids.”

Eight weeks prior

Rolling off Cas, Dean dropped next to his husband and draped an arm over the small of his back. “Hey, talk to me.” He leaned in, pressed a light kiss to the ball of Cas’s shoulder.

They’d been trying for a good hour and each time Dean tried to push into Cas, his husband tensed and even moved away from Dean a couple times. Dean would never do anything to hurt Cas. Pain during sex was not normal and Dean’s concern was rapidly growing.

Pushing his arms under the pillow, Cas sighed and carefully rolled onto his side. “I’m sorry, Dean.” Shaking his head, he lowered his eyes to the hollow of Dean’s throat.

“What?” Dean’s eyebrows shot up into his forehead as he pulled his head back. Shock at what Cas said plastered all over his face. “No. No, baby. There is no reason to apologize.” The pad of his thumb gliding in slow back and forth movements over Cas’s bare hip. “What’s goin’ on?”

Dean was observant when it came to his family. When one of them was hurting, he was on it like white on rice. Cas had been dodging Dean’s questions for a few weeks about the pain in his back. Cas had been moving slower than normal. Playing with the kids less and less. Which was a sure sign that something was wrong.

Cas was one of the biggest kids Dean around. Dean never knew what he was going to come home to. One time, the kids had Cas hooked up to a homemade wagon and he was their horse. Complete with harness and yes, Dean made use of it the same night. The kids weren’t allowed to play with it after that.

Dean hadn’t said anything right away but, he’d noticed when Cas came, there wasn’t as much cum as before. Yes, Dean noticed these things. He loved to run his finger through the cum on Cas’s chest while his husband was under him breathing heavily and sated.

“Cas, please. Something’s goin’ on. I know you.”

Sighing heavily, Cas pulled one arm from under the pillow and reached for Dean’s hand. Interlacing their fingers, he squeezed firmly but gently. “There is something wrong. I just don’t know what it is.” His voice caught in his throat as he looked into Dean’s eyes.

Nodding, Dean swallowed hard as he tried to keep his rising panic in check. Cas was the calm one. The one that never panicked or lost his cool. To see the fear in his eyes. To hear the way his voice broke was slowly killing Dean. “Okay. That’s a start. We’ll call the doc in the morning and get you an appointment. It’s gonna be okay. You probably jus’ pulled a muscle or something. No more sex swing shenanigans for you, mister.” Dean’s smile hid the fear in his eyes. His default setting for tense situations was to make jokes and be a smart ass.

Leaning in, he hummed softly as he kissed and nipped Cas’s lips. “I love you. It’s gonna be okay.”

Cas eagerly returned Dean’s kiss. A soft moan slipped up his throat unbidden when Dean nipped his lip. Closing his eyes, he leaned his forehead gently against Dean’s and sighed. He wished he had his husband’s optimism. He hadn’t told Dean half of what was going on. Normally, Cas was the stoic one. There was a small mountains worth of _symptoms_ that had been going on for a very long time. He’d been able to hide them or shrug them off until recently.

Dean’s crack about the sex swing had Cas smiling despite himself. “That’s not funny.”

“It’s a little funny.” Dean whispered softly. “It got you to smile and that’s all that counts.”

The next morning, Dean called their family doctor and made Cas’s appointment between a scrambled egg fight between the kids and the dogs darting around trying to clean up the mess faster than the eggs could hit the floor.

“Really guys? I’m on the phone!” Dean grumped as he stepped around Char to go into the family room where it was quieter, hopefully. “Yeah…three thirty is perfect. Thanks. We’ll be there.” Ending the call, he tucked his phone in the back pocket of his uniform pants and made his way back to the kitchen.

Seeing Cas dressed and ready for school, Dean smiled as he walked up behind him. “’Mornin’.” Leaning in, he kissed Cas on the back of the neck.

“Ew, gross. Get a room.” John made gaging noises as he tossed a piece of bacon to Bark.

Turning to face his son, Dean pointed at him. “Hey! No feeding the dogs off yer plate!”

Shaking his head, he looked back at Cas. “I made the appointment. Three thirty. Plenty of time for me to meet you at the office after my shift.”

Twisting the cover on his travel mug, Cas turned to face Dean. “You don’t have to come with. I know you have a 24-hour shift starting this morning. The Chief’s not gonna let you leave for a doctor appointment.” On one hand, Cas wanted Dean there more than anything. On the other, he was scared to death to have Dean there if the doctor found something. Cas wasn’t a worrier by nature. He was the calm to Dean’s storm.

Dean glared halfheartedly. “Damn you and your organizational skills.” Huffing, he nodded curtly. “Fine. Fine. I won’t go…but you _better_ call me the minute you get outta there. I mean it, Cas.” He pegged his husband with his patented _I’m not screwing around_ look.

“Yes, Dean. I promise to call you.” Cas leaned in and pressed a chaste kiss to Dean’s lips.

Pulling his head back, he glanced past Dean to the kids at the table. “Yer turn to take the kids to school. I have to set up for a lab experiment.”

“Mr. Novak, please…take a seat.” Dr. Morgan smiled as he pointed to one of the chairs in front of his desk.

Cas didn’t want to sit. It was never good news when a doctor smiled that like that wanted you to sit in his office and not the examination room. “I’m dying, aren’t I?” He asked bluntly.

“There’s no expiration date on the bottom of your foot, Cas. I looked.” He winked and smiled. Dr. Morgan flipped open Cas’s file and started moving pages around until he found the one he was looking for.

“Your white blood cell count is higher than I’d like it to be. I want to schedule a colonoscopy as well.” Leaning back in his chair, he gave Cas a sympathetic look. “It’s just precautionary. You could be fighting off a virus that we haven’t nailed down yet. I’ve already made the appointment and emailed you the information. Don’t miss the appointment, Cas. If I must, I’ll tell Dean and he’ll drag you kicking and screaming.” Raising both eyebrows, Dr. Morgan stared at Cas until he nodded in agreement.

“Okay. I won’t miss the appointment. Can…can you at least tell me what you _think_ it is? Cas’s heart was racing in his chest. His palms were clammy, and he rubbed the repeatedly over the tops of his thighs.

Shaking his head, Dr. Morgan got to his feet. “I can’t and I won’t make that kind of assumption. It wouldn’t be fair to you or your family.”

Nodding, Cas got to his feet and shook the doctor’s hand. “I understand. Thank you, doc.”

Leaving the office and making his way to the parking lot, Cas dropped his keys three times before he was able to get his hands to stop shaking enough to get the key in the lock and open the door.

Dropping onto the seat, he leaned forward until his forehead was resting against the steering wheel. He kept running the conversation over and over in his head. _White blood count high, Colonoscopy scheduled._ The rest was white noise at this point.

Blowing out a long breath, he put the key in the ignition and started the car for the drive home and the phone call he was going to have make to Dean after the kids were in bed.

“Hello, Dean.”

***

It was driving Dean crazy waiting for Cas to finish with the colonoscopy. The doc had assured him Cas was in no danger and he needed to stay in the waiting room. The walls were a sickly orange-y pink color. Oprah was playing on the TV that was mounted on the wall. It was a rerun, so Dean tuned it out for the most part.

He paced the room from one end to the other. A scathing look to the nurse that poked her head in to ask if he needed anything was enough to have the woman considering a career change as she quickly exited and closed the door behind her. Did he need anything. Fuck yes, he needed something. He wanted his husband to be healthy and all this bullshit to be behind them.

Just as he lost the last of his patience, a male nurse knocked on the door and pushed it open. “Mr. Winchester, come with me please.” He didn’t wait around to see if Dean was following. The nurse simply turned and started down the hall.

“It’s about fucking time.” Hurrying to catch up with the nurse without actually looking like he was hurrying, Dean followed the nurse to a room next to where Cas had undergone his procedure. It was a better way of thinking about some doctor shoving a camera up his husband’s ass.

The nurse opened the door and stepped to one side. “Wait here. The doctor and your…husband, will be with your shortly.”

Dean glared up…yes, up. And he thought his baby brother was tall. Dean looked up at the nurse when he said _husband_ as if it physically hurt to do so. “Listen…Lurch,” What? The asshole reminded Dean of the butler from The Addams’s family.

Right as Dean got in the guy’s personal space, he heard Cas’s voice coming from the room. Looking to the side, he let out a relieved sigh. Pointing at Lurch’s chest, Dean poked him; hard.

“Dean!” Cas appeared in the door and grabbed Dean by his arm. Glancing up at the now glowering male nurse. Wait…was he…growling? Yep, he was growling. Shit. “Thank you.” He smiled as politely as he could and tightened his grip on Dean.

“Dean…c’mon. It’s fine.”

It wasn’t fine. Homophobes were less than human. It didn’t matter how long Dean had been “out”, it grated his last nerve. He hated it even more when it was directed at Cas.

Turning his attention fully to Cas, Dean leaned in and gave him a quick peck on the cheek in full view of Lurch, the homophobic Neanderthal. “Well? Have we been worrying for nothing?”

Doctor Morgan walked and made his way to one of the chairs in the room. “Dean, Cas…take a seat, will you?”

Shit. This can’t be good.

Dean took Cas’s hand and walked with him to the seats near the doc. “Give it to us straight, doc. What the hell is going on?”

Two hours later, Dean and Cas walked out of the room. Both were pale and holding the other as if their very lives depended on it. The doc had found numerous _abnormalities_. He’d taken biopsies and sent them to the lab with priority status to get the results back. Even then it would take at least a week.

He’d assured both Dean and Cas that the chances were very good the polyps were benign. The part where the doc had told them he’d removed numerous small polyps nearly brought Dean to his knees even though he was sitting. Doctor Morgan stated there were three larger polyps that he couldn’t remove in a standard polypectomy. They would require surgery.

Neither Dean nor Cas spoke. They listened, nodding in the appropriate places.

“I don’t want you to worry unnecessarily. The odds of this being colon cancer is less than six percent due to you having no family history of cancer of any kind.” Smiling politely, Doctor Morgan stood and placed his hand on Cas’s shoulder. Squeezing gently, he nodded. “Go home. Get some rest. Worrying won’t change the outcome of the test results. As soon as they come in, I will call you, I promise.” He looked at Dean in turn. “I promise.”

The ride home was quiet. Dean kept shooting glances at Cas until they reached the park about a mile from the house. Pulling over, Dean parked the Impala and turned in the seat to face Cas. Before he could even take the breath to speak, Cas beat him to it.

“We don’t say anything to anyone.” Turning his head, he locked eyes with Dean. “I mean it Dean. I know you already called Sam and Jess against my wishes.” Cas didn’t know but the guilty as Hell look on Dean’s face and the way he looked everywhere but at Cas, told him all he needed to know. “We are most definitely not telling the kids.”

“Cas…”

“No, Dean. They’re far too young to understand.” Leaning to the side, he took Dean’s hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. Once we know the results of the test, then we’ll discuss who we tell and how much, okay?”  
Sighing heavily, Dean nodded. Bending at the waist, he brushed his lips over Cas’s knuckles. “Okay, angel. We’ll do it yer way…for now.” He added the last bit without looking at Cas. He couldn’t. The prick of tears in the corners of his eyes had him blinking like a mad man. He had to be strong for Cas. He would be strong for Cas. Once they got the test results and found all this bullshit worrying and panic was for nothing, they’d deal with the surgery. It was invasive but not life threatening. Not like can… Nope. He wasn’t going to say or even think the word and jinx them.

 

One week later

“I’m sorry. I wish I had better news. The tests were run three times with the same result. Cas, you have Stage two or Dukes’ B stage IIA Adenocarcinoma. As bad as it sounds, there is very good news. The cancer hasn’t progressed through the walls of your colon and into any of your other organs and lymph nodes. It is treatable. We caught it early.” The doctor spoke quietly but firmly. He needed both men to understand.  
“What um…” Dean swallowed hard. His lips pressed into a thin line. “What about radiation or…” Shaking his head, he blinked rapidly as he reached for Cas’s hand.  
“Radiation isn’t warranted in this case. Once we remove all the polyps, we’ll start Cas on a chemotherapy series. But, that may not even be necessary depending on the severity of the polyps that are removed. Because we caught this so early, surgery may be the only option you need, Cas. We’ll monitor you every month for six months. If you don’t develop any further polyps, we’ll go to every other month for a year etc.”  
The fact that Cas wasn’t saying anything worried Dean more than the actual diagnosis. “Um, thanks doc.”  
Getting to their feet, Dean shook the doctor’s hand and took the folder of information from him. Turning, he hurried after Cas who had left already. “Cas! Wait!”  
Jogging down the hall, Dean grabbed Cas’s arm to stop him. “Talk me, will ya? C’mon baby, yer scarin’ me.” Standing in front of Cas, he looked into the saddest pair of blue eyes he’d ever seen.  
“I have cancer, Dean.” With those four words, the tears started to roll down Cas’s cheeks unchecked. His knees gave out and he collapsed to the floor. Bone jarring sobs racked his body as Dean caught him on the way down.  
Gathering Cas in his lap, Dean tucked his chin and murmured words of encouragement and love in his devastated husband’s ear. He didn’t care that they were in the middle of a hospital corridor. Everyone could walk around them for all he cared. He’d sit on the floor with his arms wrapped around Cas for as long as necessary. The kids were at his parent’s house so there was no rush to get home. 

 

It had taken six weeks after the initial diagnosis for Cas to come to terms with the knowledge that he had cancer. The doctor’s office stopped calling after Dean talked to the nurse and told them, their constant badgering wasn’t helping. They’d make the appointment for the surgery when Cas was ready and not a second before.  
Granted, Dean had been climbing the walls the entire time. It had affected his work, Cas’s work and the kids. John and Mary-Ellen spent a lot of time with Dean’s parents and with Ellen and Bobby. After Dean finally confronted Cas about his behavior and the need to tell the family what was happening, they’d told John and Mary first. Mary burst into tears. John hugged both Dean and Cas as he fought his own tears. They were both very supportive and volunteered to start picking the kids up and keeping them on the weekends.  
Dean and Cas both were grateful for their support. Cas cried as Mary held him in her arms. One hand running the length of his back as she whispered to him. Cas nodded several times, his arm tightening around her as he held Dean’s hand with the other.  
The next to be told was Sam and Jess. With the pair being in California, a Skype call was as close as they could get. For now. As soon as they heard, both Sam told them he and Jess were flying in for a much-needed visit and to discuss ways they could help even without being right there in Austin.  
Cas tried to talk them out of it but, Jess was adamant, and Sam agreed. Even though they were in the middle of planning their wedding, family came first and yes, they were going to drop everything and get on the next flight to Texas.  
A few days later, Dean and Cas took the kids out for dinner and to their favorite ice cream shop for dessert. They walked along the Lady Bird Lake Trail. It was the kids favorite when they were in town.  
Cas even brought a small bag of pellets so the kids could feed the ducks and geese that congregated near the shore looking for free handouts. Once they were out of pellets and the kids had finished their ice cream, Dean steered them to a quiet area and sat them down.  
It would be easier telling Mary-Ellen. She was wise beyond her ten years and so much like Cas it was scary. They shared the same gorgeous blue eyes and they even had the same furrowed brow look when they concentrated. Which Dean found absolutely adorable and didn’t miss a chance to bring up the similarities to both of them. Much to his daughter’s dismay.  
It was going to be hard for John to understand. Cas and Dean had fought about telling the kids more than once but, deep down, Dean knew they had to tell them. They didn’t keep secrets from the kid’s, and they weren’t going to start now. Especially with something as important as Cas’s health.  
“Okay guys, here’s what’s going on. I know Poppa and I have been…”  
“Bitchy?” Mary-Ellen pipped up when Dean was taking too long.  
“Young lady.” Cas scolded quietly.  
“What? It’s true. Grandma Ellen said.” Yep, he was going to call Ellen when he got home. “You don’t say words like that. Especially around your little brother.” Cas continued to reprimand the child. He glared at Dean when he saw his husband trying to hide his smile behind a yawn.  
John had said a lot worse. That was why he wasn’t allowed to be with Dean when he worked on the Impala. One too many calls from John’s Kindergarten teacher and the principle threatening to suspend him for inappropriate language usage during recess and class took care of that right quick. Dean being called into the principal’s office may have had something to do with it as well.  
Sitting in the grass with John in Dean’s lap and Mary-Ellen in Cas’s, they broke the news as gently as they could. Both kids started to cry. John jumped up and wrapped his little arms around his father’s neck and cried. Begging him not to die.  
It broke both men’s hearts. Mary-Ellen sniffled softly and told John to not be stupid. “Poppa isn’t going to die!” She stated defiantly. Her bottom lip quivered as she fought back her tears.  
“No. Poppa isn’t going to die. He’s going to grow old and walk you down the aisle when you get married, right Poppa?” Dean looked over at Cas as he gently pried John’s arms loose so Cas could breathe easier.  
“That’s, that’s right. I’m not going anywhere.” Cas nodded curtly and smiled softly at his daughter. “Don’t worry little bit,” Shaking his head, Cas took hold of her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. “I’m going to live a long, long time.” He wished he believed his own words. Deep down, Cas was scared to death.  
Looking over at Dean, Cas smiled. He knew it didn’t reach his eyes but, he was trying. For the kids as well as for Dean’s sake. 

 

The next week went by in a blur of activity.  
The appointment had been made for Cas’s surgery. Dean’s parents cleared their schedule to be able to watch the kids. John was even going to close the garage for a few days so he could help out around the farm feeding the animals and making repairs.  
Cas told the superintendents of the school district what was going on and when he needed to be off work for the surgery as well as recovery time. They were very supportive and told Cas not to worry about a thing. His classes would be covered by substitutes and to take as much time as he needed.  
He left telling his students until the last minute. While he didn’t go into specifics, he told them they’d better be on their best behavior. He’d be checking in with the substitute and there would be Hell to pay when he got back if anyone stepped out of line.  
Dean sat down with his chief and poured his heart out. Benny, Dean’s long-time friend and ex-lover before Cas came into the picture, was there for moral support. Chief Maguire assured Dean he’d be given the time off he needed. The house took care of their own and all he had to do was ask and they’d do everything they could.  
Leaving the office, Benny clapped Dean on the shoulder and squeezed lightly. “Anythin’ ya need, brotha, let me know and I’ll be there. You know that.”  
“Thanks, Benny. We’ve got it under control for now. My folks are gonna help with the kids. Bobby an’ Ellen will pick up the slack here and there. My dad’s gonna help with the animals. If um…if you could run interference here at the station, I’d appreciate it.” Dean hated asking for help no matter how small.  
Smiling, Benny nodded. “All you had to do was ask. I know it’s not somethin’ yer use t’doin’ but don’ ya think it’s high time ya started?” Benny’s lilting Louisiana accent washed over Dean and calmed his jagged nerves. It always had that effect on him.  
“Yeah, well…” Dean shrugged and avoided looking Benny in the eyes.  
Benny wrapped his arms around Dean and pulled him into a quick, hard hug. “He’s gonna be fine. You jus’ keep tellin’ yerself an’ him that. Ya hear?”  
Nodding, Dean returned Benny’s hug. “Yeah. I hear ya.”  
Pulling out of the hug, Dean sniffed and took a couple steps back. “Thanks man.”  
The next morning at the ass-crack of dawn, Dean and Cas walked into the hospital for Cas’s surgery. Dean grumbled over his coffee why they had to get there so damn early. Cas laughed nervously and wrapped an arm around his husband’s waist. “Drink yer coffee before you bite someone’s head off.”  
Looking at Cas through narrowed his eyes, Dean wrapped one arm around his waist and pulled him in tight to his side. “I love you.”  
“I love you, too.” Cas tried for a more convincing smile and failed miserably. He was terrified.  
Sighing, Dean chucked the cup of coffee in the nearest trash can. He needed both hands free for this. Turning to face Cas, he cupped the side of his face. “Hey, it’s gonna be okay. _You_ are gonna be okay.” Leaning in, Dean kissed Cas’s lips. His eyes squeezed closed tight.  
“Excuse me, Mr. Novak?”  
Seriously?  
Pulling his head back, Dean glared at the nurse as Cas tightened his arm around him. “Yes, I’m Mr. Novak. This is my husband, Dean.”  
“Very well, come with me. We have a few forms you need to sign before we take you up to your room for your pre-op.” Without saying another word, she led the men to a small room and sat behind the desk.  
Twenty minutes later, Cas was being taken up to his room in a wheelchair. He fought it tooth and nail before finally relenting. There was no reason why he couldn’t walk on his own two legs but, it was hospital procedure. Whatever.  
“Lookin’ pretty sexy in that hospital gown, Mr. Novak.” Dean quipped as Cas walked from the bathroom back to his bed. The back of the gown opened to expose his spine and giving Dean a lovely view of Cas’s tight ass. “Maybe I should snag a few of these things an’ we can play doctor and patient at home.” Dean waggled his eyebrows as he titled his head to the side trying to watch as much of Cas’s bare ass as he could before it was covered and out of sight. At which time, he pouted better than his five-year-old son.  
Rolling his eyes, Cas huffed as he straightened the thin blanket over his legs and was careful not to get the IV entangled at the same time. “Dean, be serious.”  
“I am serious. I’ve never been more serious. Yer lookin’ pretty hot, baby.” Dean was trying to lighten the mood as best he could. He knew he was getting to Cas when the man refused to look at him and started to chew on the inside of his cheek to keep from smiling.  
“So, how are we feeling?” Doctor Morgan walked in with Doctor Sing, the Oncology surgeon who would be assisting with the surgery.  
And there went Cas’s good mood. Shit. “We were goin’ pretty good.” Dean snarked as he walked over to the bed and sat next to Cas. Taking his hand, he gave it a quick squeeze.  
“Well.” Doctor Morgan gave Doctor Sing an apologetic look before continuing. “The nurse will be in to give you some meds that will help you relax and inserting a catheter. They’ll be taking your vitals to make sure everything is stable and in about two hours, we’ll wheel you in for surgery.”  
Doctor Sing stepped forward and started going through Cas’s file and checking his IV drip. “The surgery will take a couple hours. Once you’re in recovery, your husband can join you.”  
Cas gripped Dean’s hand tighter with each passing moment. “How long will I have to stay in the hospital after surgery?” He knew they’d gone over this before but, for the life of him, Cas’s brain refused to work properly.  
“A few days to a week. It depends on what we find when we get inside.” Doctor Morgan walked over and gave Cas’s leg a reassuring pat. “Once you’re discharged, you’ll be home for four to six weeks. After that, we’ll see about starting chemo, if it’s needed.”  
With one last pat to his shin, Doctor Morgan and Doctor Sing left the room. A nurse walked in with a tray and set it down next to Cas. “Good morning.” She checked his wrist band and picked up the first syringe. “This is to help you relax. Some people it knocks them out. Others get a little happy.”  
Dean watched every move the nurse made. As the clear medication was injected into the IV port, he swallowed hard and watched it as it made its way down the clear tube and into Cas’s arm.  
“Easy, baby. It’s okay. Calm down.” Cas reached for Dean after the nurse moved out of the way when he heard him start to hyperventilate. “Dean look at me. Hey! Look at me.” Cas very seldom raised his voice. When he did, it got Dean’s undivided attention.  
“I’m gonna be fine. This is nothing, remember? You keep tellin’ me to relax. Well, I’m tellin you now…relax.” Taking his hand from Dean’s, Cas ran his fingers through the unruly spikey short hair along the side of Dean’s head and cupped his cheek. The tips of his fingers gently grazing the shell of Dean’s ear. “I love you.”  
Nodding, Dean swallowed hard enough to have his Adam’s apple bob in his throat. “I love you, too. I love you so damn much.”  
The nurse continued to give Cas an anti-nausea medication in his IV while the two men talked. This wasn’t new to her. She loved her job but seeing her patient’s family’s in so much pain always got to her. “Okay. There we go. I’ll see you when you wake up, Mr. Novak. My name is Kathy and I’ll be your day nurse.” Smiling, she picked up the tray and left the room.  
Scooting the chair he was seated in as close to the bed as he could, Dean rested his head on Cas’s thigh and looked up at his husband. “I can’ lose you.”  
“Yer not gonna lose me. How many times have you told me this is nothing to worry about? That all the worrying and pacing will be something we’ll laugh at?” Cas squeezed Dean’s hand and leaned back on the pillow. His eyelids were getting heavy and it was hard to keep them open.  
“Yeah, I know. Yer right.” Dean smiled and sighed. “You okay, there baby?” Dean didn’t like how tired Cas seemed to get so quickly.  
Humming softly, Cas nodded. “Tired.” He mumbled. His muscles started to go lax while his breathing deepened and evened out. Cas was asleep before he could try and fight it. Damn medication anyway.  
Dean quickly looked at the monitors and watched Cas’s heartbeat to make sure nothing was wrong. After a couple minutes, he relaxed a little and got to his feet.  
Moving to the head of the bed, he leaned over and pressed a kiss to Cas’s forehead. “I’ll be right here. When you wake up, I’ll be the first person you see, okay? I love you Castiel Orion Novak-Winchester.” He smiled when Cas’s forehead creased at the use of his little-known and hated middle name.  
Chuckling softly, Dean sat back in the chair. “You can yell at me after you wake up, deal?” His smile widened when he felt Cas squeeze his hand firmly in response. Yep, he was in trouble when Cas woke up, alright.

 

Family and friends flowed in and out of the private waiting room. Sam and Jess flew in from California. They cleaned out and got the downstairs bedroom ready for Cas to stay in after he was discharged as stairs were off limits. There was a lot of hugging and tears from Jess. “Cas is a fighter. He’s gonna be jus’ fine.” Dean assured her before they left. He had to keep repeating it to himself. No, the surgery itself wasn’t life threatening. That wasn’t what Dean was worried about.  
John stopped by to let Dean know the kids were staying with them until Cas was discharged and that he’d go to their place and take care of the animals. Dean tried to argue and quickly knew it was a losing battle. Little John and Mary-Ellen wanted to come with but, Mary had convinced them to wait until their Poppa woke up.  
Guys from the firehouse came to show their support for Dean and Cas. Benny stayed, keeping the guys who were on shift updated. The only conversation between the two was Benny getting Dean coffee and food and insisting he at least ate something. Benny had to pull the “Cas wouldn’t want you to not take care of yourself. You can’ take care of him if yer not 100%.” Yep, it had been a dirty trick but, it worked.  
When the doc came out to tell them Cas was out of surgery, Benny made the necessary calls to let everyone know. He told Dean to call him if they needed anything at all.  
Dean sat at the side of Cas’s bed. Holding his hand and running his fingers through his husband’s hair in slow, methodical strokes. He listened to Doctor Morgan tell him about the surgery and why it had taken four hours instead of the planned two.  
Cas was now minus just over eighteen inches of his large intestine.  
“We’re going to want to start chemo as soon as Cas is physically able. I must warn you, it’s going to take its toll on him physically as well as emotionally. I can give you a list of support groups that can help both of you as well as your children and extended family.” When he received no response from Dean, Doctor Morgan sighed heavily and left the room.  
“You’re gonna be okay, ya hear me?” Nodding, Dean swallowed hard several times to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall. He had to stay strong. If Cas woke up and saw him crying, he’d worry, and he didn’t need that kind of stress. Especially now.  
Nurses came and went to check vitals and see if Cas was awake. It was several hours before his eyes fluttered open. Turning his head to the side, he smiled weakly when he saw Dean sitting next to him.  
“Hello, Dean.” He croaked. His voice raw and rough from the tube that had been in his throat during surgery.  
“Hey, baby.” Dean smiled as he stood and pressed another kiss to Cas’s forehead.  
“I’m going…to kick your ass…as soon as I get outta…this damn bed, Winchester.” Cas glared at Dean through narrowed eyes. Oh yes, he remembered what Dean had said. He hadn’t been that out of it.  
Smiling brightly, Dean sat on the edge of the bed. Bringing Cas’s hand to his lips, he pressed a firm kiss to the back of his hand. “Bring it, Novak.” Before he finished speaking, Cas was asleep again.  
Wearing sweatpants, a Led Zeppelin band shirt and his favorite pair of black Chucks, Cas made his way up the improvised ramp John had built over the front porch steps. “I can walk by myself. I’m not an invalid.” He snapped at Dean for the tenth time since they’d left the hospital.  
“Yer about as steady on yer feet as Rocket was when he was born. Remember that? How many times did he fall before he figured out how to make his legs work.” Cas’s horse, Rocket, had been born on the farm three years ago. He was named for the fact that once he got his legs working, he never stopped running. Cas always said he was “Off like a Rocket” when he’d start running around the pasture as a foal.  
Huffing and grumbling under his breath, Cas allowed himself to be half carried through the front door and into the downstairs bedroom. He hated to admit it but, the trip home had exhausted him and he was hurting.  
Laying down on the bed with a pain filled groan, he closed his eyes and sank into the mountain of pillows. For once, he wasn’t going to bitch about too many pillows on the bed.  
“Get some rest. I told the kids they can come home later tonight. They’ve missed you.” Dean carefully removed Cas’s shoes and covered him with his favorite blanket.  
Humming softly, Cas sighed. “I’ve missed them, too.” His eyes closed, head turning toward the sound of Dean’s voice as he fell asleep.  
Recovery wasn’t easy. Cas wasn’t one to sit around and do nothing. Six weeks seemed like an eternity.  
He was healing well. Better than expected. Doctor Morgan and Sing were very pleased at each of Cas’s appointments. There was still a lot of tenderness, but it was to be expected. After all, it took longer for muscles to heal. The better he started to feel, the grumpier he got and the more he and Dean butted heads to the point of them getting into several yelling matches that ended with Dean sleeping upstairs or going to the firehouse.  
The kids hated when he and Dean fought. They would sneak downstairs and sleep with him on those nights that Dean wasn’t home.  
Doctor Morgan tried to get the couple into counseling but they’d both adamantly refused. Well, Dean had refused. Thrown a full blown, five alarm hissy fit to be exact.  
At the six-week mark, Cas was going crazy. The house was spotless. Dean had gone back to work full time. John still came around under the guise of checking on the animals since Cas wasn’t allowed to do too much physical activity until he’d been cleared by his doctor. John also made sure Cas wasn’t over doing it. He threatened to call Cas’s doctor and tattle on him when John busted Cas trying to move hay that had been delivered. Cas finally relented and stalked back to the house grumbling under his breath about being treated like a baby.  
“I’m going to clear you to go back to school Cas. That is until we start your chemo treatments in a couple weeks. After that, it’s going to be up to you as far as how much you work. I’m not going to lie; chemo is going to take a lot out of you. It will make you sick. You’ll lose your appetite but, I’ll be giving you meds to counteract those side effects. Do not miss your first appointment, Castiel.” He pinned Cas with a hard look before handing the paperwork to Cas and walking him to the door.  
Cas missed his students. They’d made him get well cards, sent balloons and videos to help cheer him up after surgery. They were all good kids and he loved each and every one of them. He looked forward to getting back to class.  
Chemo…he was not looking forward to. He’d done a lot of research online and didn’t like what he read. It was going to get ugly but, he was going to beat this. He was, after all, a Winchester. 

 

“Easy, baby. I gotcha.” Dean soothed as he held a washcloth on the back of Cas’s neck and rubbed circles with his free hand along the length of Cas’s bare back. There were going on round three of Cas being sick after his first chemo session. His first cycle was four weeks long with three sessions per week than he’d get a two-week break before his second cycle.  
Reaching up to flush the toilet, Cas groaned loudly. “I’m sorry.”  
Shaking his head, Dean wrapped his arm gently around Cas’s lower back. “Nothin’ to be sorry for. In sickness and in health, remember? Well..this is the sickness part.” Bending at the waist, Dean kissed Cas on the back of his shoulder. “I love you.”  
Slowly sitting up, Cas looked back at Dean. “I love you, too.” He smiled weakly. “I think I’m done now.”  
Tossing the washcloth in the sink, Dean stood and helped Cas to his feet. He was always unsteady on his feet after being sick. Dean never said anything about it, he knew it was from the chemo. “You want me to call the school and tell ‘em you won’t be in? They knew this was going to happen, angel.” The school had told Cas they already had subs lined up to cover his class, in the event he couldn’t come in because of his treatments. The even had half day subs ready just in case he came in and couldn’t stay all day.  
Sighing with resignation, Cas nodded. “Yes. Thank you, Dean.”  
Getting Cas back to bed, Dean made the call and called out from his eight hour training shift. That got Cas’s attention and pissed him off. “You can’t miss work because of me, Dean. Go. I’ll be fine.” They both had good insurance, but insurance didn’t pay for everything. The bills were coming in already and honestly, they needed the money.”  
“No, I’m staying here. You need help. What if you fall and no one’s aroun’, Cas? No. I’m stayin’ here. We’ll be fine.” He knew exactly what Cas was worried about. Dean had seen the bills that came in the mail the day before. “I’ll take the kids to school and I’ll be right back.”  
True to his word, Dean walked back in the bedroom an hour later carrying a cup of tea and plate with a few crackers. “You wanna try these an’ see if they stay down?”  
The thought of food had Cas’s stomach rolling in protest. “No.” Shaking his head, he turned it away from Dean. If he didn’t see the food, hopefully he wouldn’t get sick again.  
“Okay. Um, I’ll take it back to the kitchen. You have to drink something, Cas. Doc said it’s important you don’ get dehydrated.” Setting the tea on the nightstand, Dean left the room.  
Once he was in the kitchen, he tossed the crackers in the bin for the chickens and set the plate in the dishwasher. Leaning the palms of his hands on the counter, he closed his eyes and blew out a long breath hard enough to puff out his cheeks. The doctor had warned them about Cas getting sick and feeling tired from the chemo but this…it happening so early and fast wasn’t something Dean had expected. He felt powerless to do anything. He couldn’t make it better and that was a feeling that Dean didn’t like one damn bit.  
When he wasn’t home, he was constantly worrying about Cas. It had affected his job and had his chief warn him to get his head on straight. He understood what was going on at home, but he needed Dean to be at his best at work. It was a matter of life and death; literally. Dean could get killed. Fellow firefighters could get killed and the people they were trying to save could die from his mistakes.  
“Damn it.” Growling under his breath, Dean pushed away from the counter and nearly had a heart attack when he saw his mother standing in the doorway. “Jesus, Mom!”  
“Sorry, sweetie. I didn’t mean to scar you. I knocked a few times and when no one answered, I let myself in.” Walking to the table, she set a large casserole dish down and turned to face Dean. “Penny for your thoughts?”  
“I’m fine.” Putting on his patented _everything is perfect_ smile, he walked over to where Mary stood and kissed her on the cheek.  
Pulling back, he glanced down at the table. “You didn’t?” Smiling wide, he peeled back the tinfoil from one corner of the dish. “You made Winchester Surprise?”  
Smiling sheepishly, Mary nodded. “I did. God, I haven’t made it since you and Sam were little. I was hoping Cas would be able to stomach it and at least eat a little. How’s he doing?”  
Chuckling, Dean replaced the tinfoil and shrugged. “I’ll make sure not to put hot sauce on his.” Looking toward the hall that led to the bedroom, Dean sobered. “He got sick a few times already. He’s having trouble walking but um…you know Cas…stubborn as hell.” He forced a laugh and looked back at his Mom. “He’ll be fine.”  
Nary eyed Dean for a couple minutes before speaking. “Yeah, he’ll be fine.” Looking around the kitchen and into the large family room, she started to roll up her sleeves. The normally clean house was starting to look like a bunch of frat boys were living in it. “How about I whip this place into shape, and you go to work. I’ll stay with Cas and see if I can get him to eat.”  
“Mom…I,” Dean didn’t get much further than that before he was interrupted.  
“Go. You have family that loves you. Both of you. Let us help.”  
Sighing, Dean deflated. His mother was right, though he’d never say it out loud. “Okay. He’s probably asleep again so I’ll jus’ go. Call if he needs anything.”  
With his mother’s solemn promise, Dean reluctantly grabbed his gear bag and headed to the firehouse. He hated leaving. It tore him up, but they needed the money.  
“Hey! Look what the cat dragged in! You look like shit, Chief!” Benny met in the parking lot and pulled Dean in for a quick hug.  
“Shut up, Benny.” Returning the man’s hug, Dean sighed as he pulled back. “My Mom came over and kicked me out of the house. She’s gonna keep an eye on Cas for me.”  
Nodding, Benny smiled wide. “Your Momma is a good woman. You make sure to tell her I’m up for adoption.”  
“Yeah, I’ll get right on that.” Dean laughed. It felt good to laugh. There wasn’t much laughter in their house these days.  
The kids were on their best behavior or at least they tried to be. Mary-Ellen had stepped up and took care of her brother. Giving him baths and reading him bedtime stories making sure his backpack was ready for the morning. Dean hated that his ten-year-old had to pick up the slack that way. Once Cas was in remission or whatever, he was going to make it up to their kids.  
The day passed quickly. No calls from Cas or his Mom. No news was good news, right?  
Benny kept Dean attention on work and getting the new probies trained properly. It was fun watching Dean get after them and show them how it was done. After lunch, he’d lost sight of Dean, checking in with the Chief, Benny went to look for him.  
He found Dean in the locker room on the floor clutching a photo of he and Cas. They were both smiling and hugging each other. Dean was silently crying as he held the photo to his chest. “Hey, man. He’s gonna be fine. You know that.”  
Shaking his head, Dean sniffled softly. “I can’ lose him, Benny. I don’…” Swallowing hard, Dean leaned to the side when Benny sat next to him and wrapped an arm around his shoulders.  
“Yer not gonna lose him so stop thinkin’ like that. Sure, chemo sucks and it’s gonna take a lot outta him but, Cas is strong. He’s a fighter. He’ll beat this. You’ll see. Don’ move.” Getting to his feet, Benny closed and locked the door to give them some privacy until Dean could pull himself together.  
Returning to Dean’s side, he sat back next to him and pulled Dean in against his chest. “Ya know, we ain’t datin’ again cuz I’m holdin’ ya like this. Yer old an’ grumpy now.” He chuckled softly.  
“Shut up, Benny. If I’m old an’ grumpy, so are you. Hell, man, you got fat. I’m still a lean, mean fire fightin’ machine.” In truth, Benny was anything but fat. The guy was built like a brick shit house. He had arms and legs like tree trunks. His chest was broad, and he was covered in muscle.  
“You keep tellin’ yerself that, brotha. You just might believe it one day.” They always poked fun at each other. Even after breaking off their on again off again relationship for good during their Sophomore year of college, Dean and Benny had remained close friends. Dean knew he could go to Benny when he needed an unbiased opinion.  
By the time Dean got home, it was late.  
Leaving his gear bag near the door, he kicked off his boots and went to check on each of the kids before finding his Mom in the family room. “Sorry I’m late.”  
“Oh, don’ worry about it. Kids are fed, bathed and in bed. Homework is done. Cas had a rough morning, but he managed to eat some dinner with the kids. He got a phone call after dinner and went to the bedroom and hasn’t come out since. He seemed…I dunno, agitated. I figured it was something to do with school.” Getting to her feet, Mary picked up her purse and headed for the door. “Go check on him.”  
“Thanks, Mom. I mean it.” Walking Mary to the door, Dean locked it after her and hurried to the bedroom.  
He’d showered at the fire house, so he didn’t come home smelling like smoke. Dean quickly shed his clothes leaving only his boxers and climbed into bed next to Cas. As he reached for him, Cas rolled away from Dean and pulled the blanket up to his chin.  
Okay.  
“Cas? I know I’m late and I should’a called. I’m sorry. Please, baby. Don’ be mad.” Dean whispered as he tried to get closer. Each time he moved; Cas moved away from him. Dean had to stop so Cas wouldn’t fall off the bed. “Talk to me. Please.”  
“How’s Benny?” Cas asked quietly.  
“Benny? Uh,” Dean shrugged in the darkness and leaned against the headboard. “He’s…Benny. He’s good.”  
“Uh huh. I bet he is.” Cas pulled the blanket tighter under his chin.  
“What’s this all about? Why the twenty questions?”  
“Nothing. Forget it. Good night, Dean.” Cas stared into the darkness, replaying the phone call he’d received early that day from one of the guys at the fire house. He’d seen Dean and Benny go into the locker room. Benny had locked the door. The caller, who wouldn’t give his name, had told Cas that Dean and Benny had been in the locker room for over a half hour and had spent the day together. Never leaving each other’s sight for more than a few minutes.  
After all Dean’s talk about never leaving him, Cas was convinced Dean was cheating on him with Benny. He’d run to Benny, his former lover, when Cas wasn’t so appealing anymore. Sure, they hadn’t had sex in many months due to his illness.  
“Uh uh. No way. We don’ do that, remember? Talk to me, please. Tell me what I did wrong so I can fix this.” Dean pleaded in the darkness.  
Sighing, Cas rolled over slowly. His stomach was hurting, his abdomen was hurting where he’d had surgery. Everything hurt; including his heart. “I got a call today about you and Benny being in the locker room for over a half hour. What were you doing in there for so long Dean? With the door closed and locked!”  
Pulling his head back, Dean stared down at Cas in shock. “We…I mean, we didn’t. Cas, who called you?” Someone at the fire house was going to die.  
“It doesn’t matter. Answer my question.”  
“You…Fine. Benny came lookin’ for me because I’d lost my shit worryin’ about you. He found me sittin’ on the floor in front’a my locker bawlin’ holdin’ that photo of us from the school picnic a couple years ago. He was comforting me, Cas. That’s all. Whatever you were told is a lie. I would never cheat on you!” Oh yeah, someone was going to breathe their last breath tomorrow.  
“You and Benny were lovers in college. He’s always around. Are you two having sex because we can’t?” Tears started to roll down Cas’s cheeks.  
“NO! I am not…we are NOT having sex, Cas. God, why…” Shaking his head, Dean threw the covers off his legs and stormed out of the bedroom. “I’m sleeping upstairs. It’s obvious you don’t believe me or want me near you. Good night, Cas.”  
That was the beginning of the end, or so Dean thought.  
Cas barely spoke to him. He went to his chemo treatments with Mary. Once, Dean tried to go along and Cas refused to leave the bedroom until Dean went out to the barn.  
Cas became weaker with each treatment. He couldn’t work more than one or two days a week during his treatments. He lost a lot of weight. The medicine he was on to help with pain had its own nasty side effects. Migraines, cramps, constipation…the list went on and on.  
The kids avoided Cas as much as possible. They didn’t want to get yelled at for walking in the bedroom where Cas spent all his time. Even Cas’s beloved Beagle, Bark, avoided him. Sleeping on the floor next to the door where the kids had made him a bed.  
At the beginning of Cas’s third chemo cycle, he called Dean and asked him to come into the bedroom. Of course, Dean didn’t hesitate though he was skeptical. “Yeah, Cas?” He stood in the doorway; his arms crossed over his chest.  
“I want a divorce.”  
Just like that. The air was punched from Dean’s lungs. His heart sank to the pit of his stomach as he slowly lowered his arms. “You…why?” He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Sure, he wasn’t exactly a prize but, divorce?  
“You deserve someone who isn’t sick all the time. Someone who can give you what you need. You should go back to Benny. I won’t fight for custody of the kids.” He’d probably be dead anyway so, what was the point? He was convinced the cancer was killing him. If not that, then the chemo would.  
“For the love…I’m not cheating on you with Benny, Cas. Not this shit again.” Shaking his head, Dean glared across the darkened room at his, or what was left of his husband. “I am NOT divorcing you, Cas. So get that idea outta that head’a yers right the fuck now. Are we clear? I have someone who gives me what I need. I have you, Cas or have you forgotten. You’re the one pushing me away! You’re the one staying locked in this room away from your family. The people who love you. You’re doing this. Not me! Not the kids! YOU!”  
Storming out of the room, Dean slept on the couch. Tossed and turned would be a better description.  
First thing in the morning, Dean dressed, kissed the kids and told them to be good for Grandma and Grandpa before he grabbed his gear bag and walked out of the house. “I gotta go to work, Dad. I’m on shift for a 96.” He called to his father who was working on the ancient tractor Dean refused to part with.  
“Uh, yeah…sure, son. Don’t worry about a thing. We got this.” John looked from where Dean climbed into the Impala to the back door of the house and back again. “Shit.” He knew Dean and Cas had been fighting again. It was all they seemed to do whenever they laid eyes on each other.  
“Two stubborn sonsabitches.” Shaking his head, John wiped his hands off on the rag in his back pocket before heading in the house and getting the kids up and ready for school. 

Cas stared at the bottle of sleeping pills as if they were going to jump up and bite him. If Dean refused to divorce him, he’d make the decision easier for him. He was dying anyway. Why put his family through the whole process? The kids were afraid of him. Though Cas knew that was his doing. He’d been pushing them and Dean away for weeks now.  
“You can do this. You must do this. They deserve to be happy and not watch you wither away and die.“ The pep talk didn’t work. At least not right away.  
He waited for Mary to leave to go to the store before shuffling his way painfully into the bathroom to get a glass of water and the bottle of pills. Opening the bottle, he shook out the small white pills and stared at them. “Do it. Just do it!” He yelled.  
Raising his hand to his mouth, he downed all the pills and quickly drank the glass of water before he could spit them back into the sink.  
Gasping, he looked into the mirror at his reflection. Really looked at himself. His hair had started to fall out in places. Some were thinner than others. The back of his head was completely bald. He wasn’t sure why he refused to shave his head. Stubborn, he guessed. He refused to submit even in the smallest of ways.  
His eyes were bloodshot and sunken into his skull. There were dark circles and bags under his eyes. His cheeks were hollow and most of the muscle tone he had was gone. His ribs and collar bones stuck out prominently. “Oh yeah, so attractive and sexy. Whatever.”  
He was doing Dean a favor. He’d go back to Benny. The kids loved Benny and he knew the man would be a good stepfather to them. Dean loved Benny. That much was clear. So, yes. This was a good thing.  
Sure, they’d hurt for a while, but it wouldn’t last. It was for the best.  
Turning, Cas made his way to the bed and laid down with a pain filled groan. Covering himself with the blanket, he closed his eyes and waited for the pills to take effect. It wouldn’t be long now. His heart was pounding in his chest as he forced himself to stay in bed and not shove his fingers down his throat and make himself throw up the pills.  
With tears running from the corners of his eyes, Cas stopped fighting. “I love you, Dean. I’m sorry.” 

 

Dean had just finished supplying the ambulance when he heard the tones. Looking up, he listened to the call out.  
**“Squad 25, ambulance 15. Unconscious male. 25365 Roundup Circle. Repeat…unconscious male…25365 Roundup Circle. Time in 1325.”**  
Cas!  
Running across the bay, he was stopped by a powerful set of arms wrapping around his waist and hauling him bodily off the floor. “Hang on, Dean. You can’ go.”  
“Get off me, Benny! That’s my house! That’s Cas!” He fought Benny hard to get free. He had to go. He had to help Cas.  
“I know, brotha. I know. Trust me, but you know the rules. You don’t go on family calls. You can’t go. The chief’ll have yer ass.” Benny tried to reason with Dean.  
Growling under his breath, Dean stopped fighting. “Fine. FINE! I won’t go.” It was too late anyway. The squad and ambulance were already screaming out of the house with lights and sirens blaring. Leading them was a police car that was being driven by a friend of his Dad’s.  
Benny should have known something was up by the way Dean gave in so soon. “Okay. They’ll take care’a him. You can meet ‘em at the hospital.” Releasing his hold on Dean, Benny took a step back. That was his first mistake.  
“Sorry Benny.” Dean whipped around and cold cocked his friend in the jaw, sending him falling to the ground.  
Running out of the bay, he jumped into the Impala, shoved the key in the ignition and took off out of the parking lot. He knew a back way to get home before the others got there. “No, no, no, no, no.”  
Dean wasn’t the praying type, but right then, he tossed up a prayer that Cas had just fallen, and it wasn’t anything serious. “Please don’t take him from me. Please.”  
Jamming the car into park, Dean didn’t both turning the ignition off as he shoved the door open and bolted for the front door just as the police, rescue squad and ambulance pulled into the driveway.  
“CAS!” Dean yelled as he ran through the front door.  
“HERE!” He heard his Mom yell from the bedroom. The kids were sitting on the couch crying.  
Running into the bedroom, he saw his mom giving Cas CPR on the floor. “What happened?” Dropping next to her, he checked for a pulse; nothing. “Mom! What happened?”  
Before she could answer, the room was full of uniforms. His dad’s friend pulled Dean out of the way roughly and shoved him out of the room. “I get yer upset. Trust me, I understand but you are not to be here!”  
“Fuck you! That’s my husband! I have every right to be here. Don’t tell me where I can and can’t be!” Dean got right up in the guys face and yelled back at him.  
“Daddy.”  
His sons scared voice got Dean’s attention. “C’mere, dude.”  
His son ran to him and Dean scooped him up on his arms. “It’s okay. Poppa is gonna be okay.” He looked down to see his daughter walking over with an empty prescription bottle. Tears ran down her face as she held out the bottle.  
“He took these. All of them.” She was ten and knew exactly what Cas had done.  
“We’ve got a pulse!”  
Dean was never so glad to hear those four words in all his life. “He’s gonna be okay, Mel. You stay here with Grandma. I’m gonna go to the hospital with Poppa.”  
“No! Stay, Daddy. Stay.” John clung to Dean and buried his face against the side of Dean’s neck.  
Squeezing his eyes closed, Dean moved out of the way as the gurney was brought in to take Cas to the ambulance.  
“C’mere John-John. We’ll go to my house and have a sleep over, okay?” Mary pried the boy from Dean’s arms and jutted her chin toward the rapidly retreating gurney. “Go. Keep us posted.”  
Nodding, Dean turned without another word and followed the gurney out to the ambulance. “I’ll follow ya to the hospital in my car.” Glaring at the cop, Dean flipped him off with a wide smile. He’d hear about it from his Dad but right then, Dean didn’t give a good goddamn.  
“We pumped his stomach and found the pills mostly intact. Which is good. Only a fraction of the medication got into his system. He’s getting fluids and the rest of his medication through the IV. Except for any that cause drowsiness. The rest is up to him.” The ER doc could see it in Dean’s eyes. He’d seen that same look a thousand times before. “It’s not your fault, Dean. You didn’t put those pills in his hand. Cas isn’t the first cancer patient to attempt suicide.” Clapping Dean on the shoulder, he walked out of the room.  
Making his way to the side of Cas’s bed, Dean sat in the chair. He took hold of Ca’s hand and lowered his head onto the bed. “Cas. Cas, please wake up.” He begged quietly as he listened to the steady beep of the heart monitor.  
“Dean? What…what are you doing here?” Cas croaked as he tried to sit up.  
Lifting his head, Dean reached for the nurse’s call button and pressed it like a Jeopardy Champion. “Hey, don’t move, okay? Jus’…it’s okay. Yer okay.” He nodded like a bobble head doll as he looked down at Cas. He was awake. Cas was awake. Dean wasn’t sure if he wanted to hug him or hit him.  
“Mr. Novak. Welcome back. You gave us all quite a scare.” The nurse checked his vitals and IV making sure everything was where it should be. “I’ll let Doctor Morgan know he’s awake.” Patting Dean on the shoulder, she walked out and left them alone.  
“Why?” Dean’s voice broke as the tears he’d been holding back finally fell.  
Turning his head away, Cas sniffed and shrugged. “You shouldn’t have to watch me wither away and die.”  
“Bullshit. So, it’s better to have our kids find you dead on the floor? That’s better?! Tell me, Cas, how is that better!” Dean didn’t realize he was yelling until the bedroom door opened and a nurse came in.  
“Is everything okay?”  
“Yeah. Yes.” Nodding, Dean gave her a watery smile. “Everything’s fine.”  
The nurse eyed them both for a moment before turning and walking away. The door closing softly behind her.  
“That’s a piss poor excuse and you know it. I love you. Don’t you love me anymore, Cas?”  
“Of course, I love you.” Cas had forgotten the kids only had a half a day of school. He didn’t want them to find him like that. “The kids…they…they found me?”  
“Yeah, yeah, John did. He wanted to show you an art project he’d made. When you wouldn’t wake up, he went an’ got Mom. He told her that Poppa was cold and wouldn’t wake up.”  
Lifting his free hand, Cas covered his eyes and shook his head. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I can’ keep doing this. I hurt everywhere. I can’ keep anything down, my head feels like it’s going to explode. I have migraines.”  
Sitting on the edge of the bed, Dean gently pulled Cas’s hand away from his eyes. “Why didn’t you tell me? Or tell the doctor? Yer not in this alone, baby. You’ve never been in this alone. I’ve tried but…you keep pushing me away and before you say it, I am not cheating on you with Benny. When I find out who called you, I’m going to kill ‘em.” Dean’s voice turned deadly as the muscle on his jaw twitched as if it were a living thing trying to escape.  
“I didn’t want you to worry. Well, more than you already do.”  
Huffing, Dean rolled his eyes. “I worry about everything. You know that. It’s my job. It’s who I am. If I’m not worrying about something…I need a doctor.”  
Cas had to nod in agreement.  
“No more holding back. No more hiding when you’re hurting or sick. I don’t care what it is or when, you tell someone. Me, Mom, Dad…anyone. Understand?” He pinned Cas with a knowing look as he squeezed Cas’s hand.  
“I’ll…I’ll try.”  
Dean would take it. 

 

And try he did.  
It wasn’t easy at first but, he started telling Dean, Mary and even John when he wasn’t feeling well etc. It was harder to tell the doctors because that meant a change in his meds and more issues.  
He and Dean didn’t magically stop fighting. They still did but, they weren’t as bad. To give his parents a break, Sam and Jess came back to stay for a couple weeks. The kids loved their Uncle Sam and soon to be Aunt Jess.  
During their visit, Sam and Jess told everyone they’d decided to hold off on getting married until Cas was feeling better and could attend. Cas tried to talk them out of it but when Jess came over and took his hand with tears in her eyes and explained that she wanted her whole family there to share their special day, how could he say no.  
Deep down, Cas was afraid he still wouldn’t survive. His first round of chemo had been hard. The second was even harder. Now, he was in at the tail end of his break and didn’t feel any better. His body didn’t feel like his own anymore.  
He had good days but, the bad days were far more frequent. That worried him the most.  
“Hey…” Dean’s soft voice broke through his dark thoughts and had Cas smiling.  
“I’m fine, Dean.”  
“Uh huh. I smell the smoke burning. What ya thinkin’ so hard about?” Dean already knew.  
“Nothing. Just…” Sighing, Cas smiled at his husband. “Just how lucky I am to have such a wonderful family.”  
For once, Dean didn’t push for Cas to tell him the truth. If that is what helped Cas get through this…ordeal, so be it. “Okay.”  
Leaning in, he gave Cas a chaste kiss. “Don’ think to hard or the smoke alarms’ll go off.” He winked at Cas and got up to get him another cup of peppermint tea. It was the only drink Cas could stomach lately.  
“Ha ha! Very funny.” Cas through a pillow from the couch at Dean’s rapidly retreating form.  
Cas sat at an angle on the chair. His last procedure had been long and painful despite the medication they’d given him to try to get him to relax. He was tired of having a camera up his ass every few weeks.  
Dean held Cas’s hand and rubbed the pad of his thumb over Cas’s knuckles. He couldn’t get over how much weight Cas had lost. He was skin and bones. A walking skeleton. The idea of losing Cas to the side effects of the chemo and drugs that poisoned his body, scared him more than losing him to the cancer.  
Looking up in unison when the doctor walked in, Dean arched an eyebrow at the almost giddy look on the doc’s face. “Uh, someone get laid last night, doc?”  
Snorting, Doctor Morgan shook his head. “No, Dean. I did not get…laid last night.” You’d think after all these months, he’d be used to Dean Winchester and his sense of humor but, nope.  
“I do have some very good news.” He was practically bouncing in his seat.  
“We’re waiting, doctor.” Cas wasn’t in the mood for jokes. He’d had a very rough night.  
“There are no additional polyps…anywhere. Nothing has grown back. As of right now, you are clear of the cancer, Cas.”  
“I’m sorry…what?” Dean turned his head to the side to hear the doctor better.  
Smiling wide, Doctor Morgan spoke up. “No. More. Cancer.”  
“Holy shit!” Dean jumped up and gave out a loud yell. “Did ya hear that, Cas? It’s gone. The cancer is gone. We beat the sumbitch!”  
Cas stared at the doctor with his mouth hanging open as if he were waiting for the punch line. He was waiting for the other shoe to drop. “And…” He ignored Dean’s enthusiasm, for now.  
Dean slowly sat down when Cas didn’t even so much as look up at him. “What do you mean…and?” He asked quietly taking hold of Cas’s hand once again.  
“Castiel, let me show you.” Getting to his feet, the doctor brought up the images of Cas’s scans.  
Cas had long ago lost any sort of embarrassment when it came to looking at the inside of his ass. He could see the scars from the polyps that were removed as well as the beginning of the scar from where they’d had to remove a section of his colon.  
“What do you see?” The doctor asked both men.  
“Scars but…that’s it.” Dean replied softly.  
“Cas?”  
“What Dean said. I see the scars. That’s it.”  
Nodding, the doctor waited for it to sink in. It took a few more minutes before the light came back to Castiel Novak-Winchester’s eyes.  
“There’s no polyps.” His voice shook with emotion as he gripped Dean’s hand tightly. “They’re gone. There’s no new ones.”  
“That’s right. We can cancel your next round of chemo and start to get you back in shape. We’ll slowly wean you off the rest of your medications as well. I’ll have a nutritionist get in contact with you to set up a diet plan. You don’t want to overwhelm your digestive system.”  


“Um, yeah…yes, of course. A nutritionist would be great.” Cas couldn’t stop looking at the images. He’d done it. He’d beat the cancer.

Getting back to his seat, the doctor lowered himself back on it. “Now, I don’t want you two jetting off to Disney World just yet. Your immune system is still extremely compromised. A cold could land you back in the hospital. Understand? I want you to continue to wear a mask when you go out in public. I’d prefer if you stayed home but, I know you won’t so…remember your mask.”

“Don’ worry, doc. I’ll keep a good supply in the cars.” Dean raised their joined hands and brushed his lips over Cas’s knuckles.

The ride home was quiet, surprisingly. “Maybe we shouldn’t say anything, just in case it comes back.”

“Cas, it’s gone. We’re gonna celebrate. You won. Let’s enjoy this, okay?” He understood Cas’s apprehension. The thought had been creeping around Dean’s mind since he’d heard the news. What if it came back? Cancer could do that. You heard about it all the time. So and so being in remission for years then WHAM! The cancer was back with a vengeance.

Celebrate they did.

As soon as they got home, Dean called the kids down from their rooms and told them the good news. Mary-Ellen started to cry as she slowly wrapped her arms around her Poppa’s waist. Cas kissed the top of her head and murmured softly to her as he hugged her tightly.

After a few minutes, John made his way to Cas and looked up at him. “Yer all better now, Poppa? The cancer is gone?”

“Yes, John. The cancer is gone. I’m all better now.” Cas fought back the tears as he slowly crouched in front of his son. “You wanna hug?”

Nodding, John stepped in close and gently hugged Cas. “I wuv you Poppa.”

That did it. The dam broke. 

Cas sat on the floor and pulled John into his lap. He buried his face in the unruly blonde locks and cried. “I love you too, buddy.” He whispered into the boy’s ear. 

Dean stood back and watched the kids. After Mary-Ellen moved away so John could talk to Cas, she’d hugged Dean and ran up to her room. Dean knew she was processing everything in her own way. Knowing his daughter, she was changing clothes and would come bounding down the stairs in jeans and boots to go ride her horse. The barn was her little piece of heaven. It was where she did her best thinking. 

While John and Cas were together, Dean pulled out his phone and started calling everyone to tell them the good news. Especially Sam and Jess. They needed to get back to planning their wedding. When he hung up with Sam, Dean had an idea.

He waited until after the kids were in bed to approach Cas about it. 

“Hey, Cas?” He whispered in the dark as he lay next to his husband. 

“Yes, Dean.”

“I um…I wanted to ask you something.” 

“Of course, Dean.” 

“I think we should renew our wedding vows. I know you don’t do the whole anniversary thing and I’m good with that but after this…” Dean let the sentence trail off as he held his breath. 

Rolling carefully on his side, Cas took hold of Dean’s left hand. “Dean Winchester, are you asking me to marry you?”

~Fin?~


End file.
